


Not Surprised

by Kestrealbird



Series: Dysfunctional Family [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, I'm not tagging everyone that'd take too long, Loki the Dramatic Fucker, Steve is having a bad day, Thor and Loki being lil shits to eachother, one jab at Marvel at the end, pretty much everyone shows up, there's a lot of sex talk in this but nothing explicitly sexual happens, wow do I hate that american spelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 23:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14580201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kestrealbird/pseuds/Kestrealbird
Summary: In which Thor and Loki drag eachother's sexual history through the dirt and everyone else suffers because of it





	Not Surprised

**Author's Note:**

> This is the best thing I've ever written and you honestly can't change my mind I'm cackling at all of these idiots, The only reason this isn't an M rating is because nothing is like, explicitly discussed sooooooooo

Steve rubs the bridge of his nose once Thor has finished catching him up on everything that’s happened on his end after Ultron, heaves a sigh, and, dragging a hand down his face, turns to Loki, whose currently filing his nails as if he has nothing to do with this conversation.

“So let me get this straight,” he starts, slowly, and ignores Sam’s mutter of ‘you can't do anything straight’ “you really thought you were going to die on Svar-whatever-”

“-Svartalfheim-”

“-yeah that place, but when you didn't you decided that instead of telling your brother that you were alive, you were going to give your father amnesia, stick him in a home on Earth, then impersonate him for months and put on elaborate plays about your death which you had, for some forsaken reason, memorised word for word? Is that about right?” He really hopes it isn't. Prays, in fact, that he’d somehow fever dreamed the whole thing that Thor just told him.

Loki smiles and all of his prayers crash into a fiery pit. “Yes that's right. You have a truly astounding ability to repeat things Captain Rogers.” Half-way through his second bottle of scotch, Tony snickers.

“That's not even touching the whole Sugar Daddy thing,” Bruce mutters, his face drawn with tired resignation of the fact. Steve had really just been ignoring that whole fiasco, because it was a big can of worms he wasn’t all that interested in opening. Clint, predictably, had other ideas.

“And you’re okay with that, man?” Evidently the question is directed at Thor who simply shrugs without batting an eye.

“Disappointed but not surprised.”

The file in Loki’s hand snaps. “You make it sound like my sexual history is something horrid and disrespectful to our mother’s name.”

He really doesn't want to hear this conversation. Has a feeling, in fact, that if he does he might end up raiding Tony’s alcohol cabinet. Bucky shifts in his seat, looking about as put out as Steve feels in the moment. 

“To be fair,” Thor happily replies, “he is a better choice then the horse was.”

“Oh my god,” Natasha whispers, stricken and horrified.

“Don't worry,” Bruce tells her, “the story isn't as bad as it sounds.”

Quill looks up from the game he’s playing with Groot to ask, “like an actual horse or an alien kinda horse cuz there’s a bit of a difference.”

Bucky mutters, “I hate all of this,” at the same time that Sam snatches Rhodey’s drink and downs the whole thing in one go, to the amazement of Wanda and Vision.

Loki sniffs. “He was a shapeshifter so it’s fine.”

“Yet you still chose to be horses at the time.”

Quill throws a face but doesn't comment on it. If anything is says more about Quill then Loki.

Loki very deliberately gives Thor a  _ look _ . “At least I didn’t hook up with a Fenalvian,” he sneers.

For some reason this seems to mean something to Quill’s little group because Rocket starts to laugh and Mantis looks a little awed by the fact. “I told you he was a man, Quill,” Drax booms. “He managed to handle all those limbs better than you did.”

Quill points his console at Drax in warning. “Listen here you, they aren't talking about my sexual history so let’s not go there alright?”

Privately, Steve can't help but agree. At this rate they might just end up airing everyone’s sex lives like dirty laundry.

It’s at this moment that Tony decides to join in on the conversation, probably because the Parker lad isn't here to have his innocence taken away from him. “Is the lack of surprise because Loki fucked his way to the top - don't give me that look Rhodey you know I’m right - or that he chose this “Grandmaster” as his ride?”

He looks a little too pleased at his own joke for anyone’s tastes and Rhodey take the initiative to throw a pillow at him. “Don't be crude, Tony.”

“What? It’s a genuine question.”

Vision gives Thor a pleading look. “You don't have to answer that.” 

“In fact,” Wanda says, “please don't.”

Thor ignores them. Typical. “Both, really. I’m not disappointed in the fucking - I’d be a hypocrite otherwise - but really brother? Him of all people? Did you have to stoop that low?”

Steve remembers, rather vividly, the first time anyone had tried to give him the sex talk. It had been awkward and embarrassing and all kinds of ‘please stop’ and he’d told Bucky, back then, that it had been the worst conversation in his entire life. He could see now that that small bit of explanation was nothing compared to the cursed hell he was witnessing currently.

Bruce’s lack of response told him all he needed to know about the time he’d spent with the brothers. It was horrifying to see how calmly he was taking all of this.

Nebula turns away from them all and goes pointedly back to sleep under her blanket. Gamora opens her mouth to say something, looks at Quill, then closes it again and goes back to playing cards with Natasha, whose beginning to mutter a Russian lullaby under her breath. Or a curse. Hard to tell with her sometimes. 

“In my defence,” Loki drawls, “he was rather good with his hands, all things considered.”

Thor considers this. “That’s fair,” he replies. “You always did have a thing for that.”

“I need a really strong drink,” Steve says. 

“Same here,” Bucky agrees, mildly.

Tony is already bringing said drinks over before either of them can think of standing up to do it themselves. Asshole.

Loki crosses his legs and flutters his lashes. “Are you jealous that I got laid more than you?”

Steve prays for the Lord to smite him on the spot. Loudly. 

Thor leans forward into Loki’s space, hands clasped together on his knees as a grin slowly crawls across his face. “Gladiator’s get a lot of interesting visitors.”

Loki’s eyes narrow. “You’re lying.”

“Am I?” Thor asks. “Then prove it.”

“You did see the hulk’s dick,” Valkyrie pipes up from the back of the room. 

Loki jerks back in his seat and Bruce flops onto the floor with a defeated sigh.

“Didn’t fuck each other though,” Thor says and Loki breathes with relief.

“Thank god,” Bruce moans, “I’d never be able to look at you again otherwise.”

Rhodey eyes the bottle of vodka sitting beside him. Sam stares into the void. “I don't know if I should be thankful for Tony or not,” Rhodey says.

“That's fair,” Tony replies.

“You know,” Mantis says, “I think this is a great bonding thing! We are learning so much about them now!”

“Too much about them,” Natasha says.

“Have you ever just-” Sam waves his arm in a broad gesture- “missed having Clint around?”

Tony blinks. “Oh,” he says, “keep forgetting about him.”

“Doesn't everyone?”

Rocket frowns. “Who the fuck is Clint?”


End file.
